(CHRIS)

I thought the dress was beautiful on the hanger but on Morgan its absolutely stunning. I look at her again and there's no two ways about it, she absolutely takes my breath away.

Then again she always has. Even the first time I met her, in that airport, wearing jeans and sweatshirt. There was just something about her that even a delayed flight and a long wait in an overcrowded airport couldn't dim.

I love her so much and I know that I don't always show her that. There are times when she probably wants to toss me out on my ear and wash her hands of me. I definitely give her lots of reasons for that. But I'm not the only one who has cornered the market in being a pain in the neck. She's pretty good at driving me crazy herself.

But tonight is not for thoughts of what we do to drive each other nuts, unless of course its remembering exactly what it takes to drive her crazy with desire. Holding out my hand to her I ask. "Dance with me?"

"There's no music," she says, stating the obvious.

But I'm prepared for that, the remote for the stereo is on the mantel behind me. Without taking my eyes off of her I reach over and push a button filling the room with music.As the first few notes of a very familar song fill the air, a smile teases the corners of her mouth.We may not have been together when I wrote the lyrics, but she was definitly my muse. "There's no more waiting.........."

I don't have to hold out for love any more. My godsend it right here in my arms and that's right where I want to keep her.

Heaven knows I'm head over heels and I plan to show her that every possible way I can think of.

"Baby, I get lost in you...." I whisper. And thats exactly what I want to do for the rest of the night. For the rest of our lives. Together.

I should have known Chris was up to something when he was up before me, getting the kids ready for school. He had Bella changed and dressed by the time I was finished with my shower. Then when I said I had no real plans for the day, he handed me an envelope and told me I did now.

Inside the envelope was a certificate for an afternoon at the spa for a massage and a manicure and pedicure. There was also a little sticky note stuck to the certificate telling me to change into the dress in the garment bag in the trunk of my car before coming back home.

Hmm, I do love surprises and he knows it.

So today I decide to be the dutiful wife and follow instructions without an argument. And by the time I'm pulling back into the driveway at six, I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in weeks. I've been kneaded by a pair of the best hands in the business and both my toe nails and fingernails are a cheery shade of pink. Lily's going to be jealous when she sees them and I glance down at my purse, thinking how smart I was to pick up an extra bottle of the polish. Maybe after dinner I can treat her to a mini spa treatment before bedtime.

But somehow I think Chris has a few more plans up his sleeve, especially given the outfit I'm clad in. There was quite the evening gown in that garment bag - pale pink silk with a hint of silver thread running through the skirt. I don't even have to look at the tag to recognize a vintage Dior when I see one. Thank heavens for the couture education Nina gave me. When Chris and I first got together clothes were just a necessity of every day life to me. I never seemed to be dressed properly for any occassion until Nina took me under her wing.

As soon as I step into the house I see candles everywhere. There was a voicemail on my phone telling me to come through the front door and more than just candles I see Chris standing beside the fireplace. He turns to look at me and smiles and its hard not to drool. He's in a tuxedo, diamond cufflinks glinting in the firelight, that dark hair of his curling just over his collar, making me itch to run my fingers through every silky strand.

He doesn't say anything, he simply strides over to me and stops about a foot away and lets his eyes rake over me. From the way those blue eyes are smouldering I say he likes what he sees and then his hand is darting out, closing around my elbow as he tugs me against the length of him.

I bring my hands up, pressing them flat against his chest, tempted to curl fingers around the buttons on his snowy white shirt, wanting to slide each and every button open so I can push that shirt wide open.

Then he's bending his head, his lips covering mine, sending shivers through every inch of my body. And he whispers, "Happy New Year, baby."

As his tongue teases against my lips, all I can think is 'Happy New Year indeed'.

Spring break is still almost two months away but that hasn't stopped the offers from pouring in. Already Nina has called to see if Chris and I want to bring the kids to Jamaica for a brief getaway. Mel and Griffin have tossed out the idea of the two families getting together somewhere. We've thought about simply staying home or going up to the cabin in Minnesota, but at this time of year there's always the possibility of a late winter blizzard so that's probably not the best choice. Either that or it will be so mild, most outdoor activities will be too messy to try, with melting snow and thin ice.

Today its Candace who's calling to see if we want to come to Abilene for the week in March. "Brandy and Tristan would love seeing you guys and so would Steve and me."

"What about the baby," I tease.

"Oh Luke would love the attention. Him and Bella can get to know one another, they are cousins after all," she reminds me of another branch to our twisted family tree. It's easy to forget Steve and Chris are half brothers but Gene Gaines was father to both of them. Wouldn't a psychologist have a blast with us?

"And Steve and Chris can argue the whole time, it'll be a blast," I reply.

"Someone's in a mood today. What's wrong this time?"

"Nothing's really wrong," I tell her and realize I'm being truthful. In fact things have been pretty darn smooth the past few days. Chris is a little preoccupied both with his preparations for the MusiCares benefit and a few other shows that are coming up soon, and with Craig leaving for Europe. But we've made the plans to bring the kids along with us to California next week so thats something.

But I realize that I hate what Candace just asked: whats wrong this time? As if there's always something wrong in my life. It might seem that way lately but we're trying to mend fences. Sometimes its just slow going and sometimes we slip backwards but its not for lack of effort.

"Okay, I'm going to take your word for it this time, Morgan. Just remember when it concerns Chris, just take a deep breath and count to ten. I promise it really does help." She gives a chuckle and then reminds me, "Think about spring break. We'd love to have y'all out here at the ranch."

I promise to talk it over with Chris and get back to her. And as I hang up the phone, I find I'm reaching for my purse and jacket. I'm going to do better than take a breath and count to ten, I'm going to go find my husband and see if he wants some company.

(CHRIS)

I stopped by to see Pam today, wanting to see for myself how she's holding up after Craig's departure. More than anything I wanted to go to the house yesterday and see him off for myself. I wanted to wish him well but instead I stayed at the studio, burying myself in work so I wouldn't go over there.

I know it's not my place but how do I explain to anyone else what its like to look at that boy and see my fbrother in every feature and every motion he makes? Craig is the same age as Tommy was that day he boarded a plane and I never saw him again. I cringe every time I picture Craig following the same path.

What if something happens to his plane? What if we lose him the way we lost Craig? Would Morgan understand my fears?

I'm scared to find out so instead I do what's easier. I go and see Pam and we sit in her sunny kitchen, with Katy playing beside us, and we talk.

We talk about our memories of Tommy and exchange stories we've both heard a million times before. But somehow its comforting. Somehow it makes his son's leaving just a little easier to handle. We assure ourselves Craig isn't flying on a private plane, he's going commercial. When was the last time there was a major plane crash for anyone heading from the US to France? Neither of us can think of a single example and that comforts us as well.

Finally I nudge my chair next to hers and ask, "He's going to be okay, isn't he?"

She doesn't answer, she just looks at me. But in her eyes I see hope and that's the most comforting of all.

Craig isn't Tommy. History isn't going to repeat itself.

God wouldn't be that cruel.

The kids are off because of an in-service so instead of sticking in the house and worrying about the possibility of going stir crazy before lunchtime even arrives, I decide its time for a little field trip. Chris is spending the day with Garth again and Pam's son is leaving today for Europe, so that leaves one more choice for a partner-in-crime.

And when I ask the kids if they can figure out who we're going to hang out with today, Lily is first to guess correctly when she shouts out "Daddy!"

Daddy indeed. He's just finishing up his job with Reed Security; he has one week left but they really haven't been giving him any time intensive jobs for obvious reasons. So when I called to see if he'd be able to sneak away after lunch, he was more than eager.

Pulling up in front of the building, we only have to wait a few minutes until he's strolling out the main door to the car. He opens the back door to give the kids a hug and a kiss, then slides into the passenger seat, immediately reaching for his seatbelt. Glancing back over his shoulder as he says hello to me, he asks, "Okay, where are we going?"

Connor claps his hands together and answers, "We going to the store!"

Joe seems a little surprised at that answer. "The store?" He frowns in my direction.

But Lily explains, "Mommy says we need some new stuff and she said you'd like to help pick it out."

"Oh I would, huh?"

"Yup, you and me can buy boy clothes, Daddy," Connor sounds thrilled at that prospect.

When Joe looks at me again, I give him an apologetic look. "Sorry, I really did think you wouldn't mind." Now I feel pretty sheepish. The man was probably hoping for some kind of adventure but instead he gets a trip to the mall.

But he's a good sport about it. "Hmmm, clothes huh? I think there might even be a toy store at the mall and if we're making an afternoon of it, how about we stop at the ice cream store too!"

Its my turn to groan as the kids start clapping and laughing and shouting back at Joe. They don't need sugar to get all hopped up and full of energy.

I can't believe the month is almost over. Flipping through my DayTimer shows there's only a few more days left, then we're on to February already. But travel season is just getting under way. Chris is scheduled to perform at the MusiCares Tribute to James Taylor in a week and a half and right now he's in the studio at Garth's practicing different song choices. Some times the producers of these shows assign the songs, but other times like now, the artists get to make the choice on their own. That alone is enough to give Chris a headache. He's been going through sheet music for days now.

You'd think he'd just pick his fave James Taylor tune and that's that. Right? Not so easy. There's been a flurry of phone calls back and forth between him and some of the other participating artists. I think he's got his choices narrowed down to about a half dozen but he still has to pick out the one he's going to do.

This morning he asked if I was planning to go with him and I had to bite my lip to prevent myself from instantly snapping no just to annoy him. But the more I think about it..... Impulsively I grab the phone and dial Joe's cell phone.

Only one way to find out if the other man in my life would have a fit if I pulled the kids out of school for a couple days. Call it a test or whatever you want to, but I really am curious to see if Chris will mind bringing the whole family along with him to California this time.

A Welsh scientist has developed a formula that proves today is emotionally the worst day of the year. The formula devised by Cliff Arnall, a health psychologist at the University of Cardiff in Wales, combines personal and seasonal factors to calculate that Jan. 23 is the year's emotional low point. On paper, the formula looks like this: 1/8W (D-d) 3/8 x TQ ---------------------- M x NA

The variables are (W)eather, (D)ebt, (d) or monthly salary, (T)ime since Christmas, time since failure to (Q)uit a bad habit, low (M)otivational levels and (NA), the need to take action.

Such a cheery thought for a Monday. NOT! But maybe there is some truth to it - I know when I first got up this morning I was definitely at an emotional low point. I don't think I cracked a smile until close to noon. Everything was annoying this morning. And I don't really have a good excuse.

Chris was the one who got up to take the kids to school. Bella was feeling much better. I was feeling much better, except for the fact I was a little tired. But considering I was up until well after midnight and the alarm went off at 6 am, that's understandable.

But its good to be back home again. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Ah yes, it seems Chris had a rip roaring time at the parties. I'm not really sure what time he crawled in but he wasn't alone. I'd been in bed for hours but Bella woke me up and I'd just got back into bed when the door to the suite banged open and I could hear my dear hubby and his guest discussing arrangements out in the living room area. There've been times in our relationship when the image of Chris and a guest discussing any kind of arrangements would have sent me scurrying out there determined to defend my place in my man's life. But I recognized the voice and unless Chris has suddenly decided to pull a Brokeback Mountain, I doubt I have anything to worry about.

Turns out there's not only a film festival going on in Park City, there's also ChefDance. For the duration of the festival master chefs create two signature dishes for an exclusive group of guests each night. I'd completely forgotten Clay was scheduled to be one of those invited chefs.

And it turns out Clay can hold his liquor a heck of a lot better than Chris. Despite Chris' protests that he take the couch, Clay was the one to convince Chris to take the couch and once he got him settled, he tiptoed out of the suite, leaving me and Bella to listen to Chris' inebriated snoring for the rest of the night.

Gotta remember to thank Clay for this one!

Oh yes I lead a glamorous life. As wife to a rock star slash movie star I get to jet off to places like LA for the Golden Globes, or Utah for the Sundance Film Festival. We're in Park City now staying at a great hotel, the ski slopes are right outside, there's an industry party down in the ballroom complete with the requisite bags of free swag. Of course that's where he is. Networking, charming, being seen. He really could care less about the freebies (strange man, I know) but I gave him instructions to pick something up. Coming back with a gift is the least we can do for Pam, after all she's the one who picks up the slack and keeps Lily and Connor all this extra time.

Me? I'm still up in the room, recovering from a week long bout with the flu or a cold or a sinus infection (we're still not really sure) and taking care of our 9-month old daughter. No nannies for this family. No! When she spews like Linda Blair in the Exorcist, I'm the one who gets to clean up. Lucky me!!!

Poor Bella. I do feel bad for her. Its no fun being sick and as I walk back and forth in the room, trying to soothe her, I decide maybe a good dose of home is what we all need. Travelling can be fun, but nothing beats the familiarity of your own bed and all the conveniences of your own kitchen and laundry. But hey, room service is kind of fun.

Originally we were supposed to go back home after the Golden Globes, then fly out to Salt Lake City on Friday for the Sundance Film Festival. Chris doesn't have a film to present this year, but given the praise 'Home Free' got last year, they were eager to have him back this time around.

Since we stayed in California the extra five days, I was thinking we'd pass up Park City and head home but Chris convinced me otherwise. So we're leaving this afternoon and we'll stay until Sunday.

When I called Joe and Pam to break the news, I half expected a lecture, but Joe was surprisingly agreeable. No doubt he thinks I'm being a terrible mother, abandoning Lily and Connor like this. And no doubt he thinks it makes him look the absolute hero, because he gets to be Super Dad for a few more days. But I've talked to both kids every day since we've been away; they're both fine with it. They're more concerned that I remember to bring something special home for them, then when exactly I'm going to get there.

Guess there should be some consolation in that. They have a great time with their Dad and I know Pam loves them as much as she does Katy. Then how come having them away from me bugs me so much right now?

Woke up Thursday morning thinking it would be the day I'd be raring to go, but no such luck. I nudged Chris, told him we weren't going home yet and promptly went back to sleep. Stayed that way until noon then managed to drag myself out of bed long enough to make an appearance. I felt like crap.

Roger took one look at me and full of doctorly advice, sent me right back to bed. I like that man - have I mentioned that before?

That time I slept until almost six. I was more than a little surprised, both that I'd slept so much and that Chris hadn't found an excuse to wake me up. But I guess he spent the afternoon catering to Bella's every whim and having some quality time with Carolyn.

He did make a remark at dinner, suggesting that my health was becoming an issue and Roger proved he was in my corner when he said in his experience stress can be the underlying reason for quite a few health problems.

Both Chris and I were pretty quiet after that. But Roger is right, the stress between Chris and I isn't doing anyone any good. We need to do something about that. And soon.

We went back to the beach today, there's one not too far from Carolyn's house. The temperatures were finally back in the 70's but there weren't that many people there. Bella had a blast, setting herself down to dig a hole. Chris tried to show her how to mound the sand up into a basic castle, but she had more fun grabbing handfuls and moving them from one side to the other.

Unlike Connor, she didn't try to eat any.

I walked around a little taking photos of the surf rolling in, and more than a few of Bella and Chris. I even posed for a few when Chris all but commandeered the camera for a few minutes. At least if I get around to working on Bella's scrapbook, she'll have a few pics of her mother in there too.

Chris and I got around to doing a little talking too. Mostly we talked about the past couple days and how it feels good to be making the effort. For the first time I got the feeling he's just as scared as I am. Making this marriage work has got to be something we both want with all our hearts. Maybe today we finally got around to realizing that.

He suggested talking to someone else. I hope he doesn't mean Ronnie, I know she'd see us in a minute but if we're going to get professional help, I don't want someone who's dealt with most of Chris' past baggage. When we first decided to remarry, we talked about making a fresh start. I think that's a good idea when it comes to a therapist or a counsellor too. We need someone who can be totally objective.

I'm not against seeing someone, but first I really want to see if we can do this on our own. I know I love him and he loves me. That's a good start.

I love my mother-in-law. She's got to be one of the most understanding women on the planet. Of course given the son she has she'd pretty well have to be, eh?

There wasn't a complaint out of her, or Roger, when Chris, Isabella and I showed up. She didn't say anything when Chris and I came back early from the Globes. And she didn't bat an eyelash when I told her my cold was worse and we weren't going to fly out Tuesday morning as planned. Yet another reason we never should have gone to the beach last night. We could have pretended to talk somewhere warm, but oh no, Chris and I never do things the easy way.

My cold is back with a vengeance and there's no way I'm getting on a plane feeling like my head is going to explode any second.

Carolyn actually told me not to worry and that we could stay as long as we needed. And no, she wasn't walking out the door and handing over the keys as she said it either.

Chris, however, wasn't as impressed. As backwoods as he thinks Tulsa is, I get the feeling he thinks staying with his mother and step dad is worse. At least it is when he's at odds with his wife and actually wants to talk about it. There's not much chance we're going to be able to have that heart-to-heart conversation while we're here, but I gotta say, I'm not really in any shape for it anyway.

And who knows, maybe Chris will figure out a way to start a conversation.

It seemed like a good idea but when you've got two hard-headed people trying to find some common ground, there might be a problem. And Chris and I find that out first hand when we wind up at the beach.

For starters we're just a little underdressed to be wandering close to the water's edge in the evening in the middle of January. This might be Sunny California but someone forgot to tell Mother Nature that its supposed to be toasty warm this time of year. Its cold, damn cold.

We've both ditched our shoes, leaving them in the car and I think I'd give anything for a nice warm pair of wooly socks. Who cares if they wouldn't match my evening gown. They'd feel wonderful right about now. I glance down at Chris' feet, wondering if his toes are turning blue yet.

Then I make the mistake of complaining about the temperature. That sets him right off and as much as I'd like to blame it on the conditions, I know there's a whole lot more than that. I'm still not 100% sure what set him off at Christmas and I find since then I worry it will happen again. And I worry I'm the one causing his foul moods.

"Well we could have stayed at the award show, then the cold wouldn't be bothering us, would it?" I snap back.

"So much for thinking you wanted to talk. As usual you just want to clam right up," he retorts.

"I want to clam up? I don't think so. I'm the one who's been begging you to talk. What's going on with you, Chris?"

"Nothing is going on. Why are you always so suspicious?"

"Look! I'm the one who flew all the way here on the spur of the moment to spend some time with you. I don't remember hearing you ask Pam to watch the kids."

"Maybe I didn't want to make a big deal out of this trip."

"Maybe you just wanted more time away from all of us."

We go on and on and on like this until its just pointless. Talk about a silent car ride. All the way back to Carolyn's neither of us say a word.

Guess finding out whether Chris actually won the award he was nominated for is hardly the question right now.

Anyone who tells you sitting at an award show is thrilling is lying. It's really kind of boring, especially when its broadcast live. Those commercial breaks all the people at home use to go grab a snack or go to the bathroom? Back at the hotel ballroom we all stand around looking like we'd rather be anywhere else. Truth is most times we really would.

The Globes are a little better, at least we aren't all in long rows with seat fillers darting out to create the illusion that we're all on the edge of our seats waiting to see who wins. At the Beverly Hills Hilton we get to sit at tables, usually with people we know, or at least have worked with before. It makes those commercial break conversations go just a little more smoothly.

Chris wasn't very talkative most of the evening. He chatted just enough to make a good appearance but I started wondering if he was ticked that I'd shown up, or if he really just didn't know what to say. I know that's how I was feeling.

Then when we were on the last commercial break before his category, he suddenly stood up and grabbed hold of my hand, asking me to go outside with him. I argued just a little, pointing out he really didn't want to be late. Did he want to become the Christine Lahti of the 2005 Globes if he did win and wasn't there when the camera panned to the table?

He just persisted until I finally followed him out of the ballroom. Instead of stopping in the hallway, or the lobby, he led me right outside. My heart was pounding and I was thinking he was going to shove me back into the car and tell me to go away, when he turned and told me he wanted the two of us to leave together.

"Umm, you are going to miss your category. What if you win?"

"If I win great, but right now I'm at risk of losing something a helluva lot more important to me. And I really think I'd like to concentrate on that right now," is his response.

My, oh my, just when I think I have him pegged into a neat little box, he comes out and surprises me with a comment like that.

I don't think Pam really knew what to think when I showed up on her doorstep. But like the sweetheart she is, she went along with my crazy idea. I handed over a bag of clothes for the kids, hugged Pam, gave Katy a kiss and hurried off before I could change my mind.

Helps that I really didn't have much time to think. This was one time where I wish Joe and I were on better terms. It sure is handy having a pilot in the extended family. But not this time.

As it is I arrived with barely any time to spare. Raced to Carolyn's to drop off Bella, changed and got to the hotel and the red carpet. While I'm waiting, I'm a bundle of nerves, in fact I can't remember the last time I felt quite this nervous. I keep glancing at my watch, watching the minutes tick off. Simon promised he'd be here on time.

And then the car pulls up and I know before the door is opened that its him. Smoothing my hands over my dress I hold my breath and wait until he steps out. And when he finally appears I feel that familiar charge of electricity run through me. He's beautiful.

And when he sees me step out from behind the crowd of people between us; he's surprised.

But is he happy?

(CHRIS)

I had a feeling that she didn't want to go with me to California. Hell, I'm not even all that sure she wants me in the house. If we didn't have kids, I'm almost certain she wouldn't have even let me come back home. Fine, I'll go to the awards by myself and make up some excuse why my wife isn't with me. Of course that just means the tabloids will have a field day amking up their own excuses.

Or maybe Simon will decide its time to have a little fun with the paparazzi and arrange some kind of escort for me. I can show up with some pretty little thing on my arm and make everyone start speculating. Especially my wife, I think darkly. Maybe that's not such a good idea. Or maybe its just the thing to do. At least it will give her more of a reason to keep that cold shoulder turned in my direction.

That's the voice of that devil again. Damn he really wants to come out and play. I'm really going to have to watch myself while I'm away. Of course the easiest way to do that would be to invite Pam to go with me. There's no way she'd let me get away with any crap. But she's busy with the kids this weekend. And with her and Joe's reconciliation still being fairly new the last thing I want to do is screw that up. Bad enough I've managed to screw up my own marriage. Again.

I suppose I could go back into the other room and try again to convince Morgan to come along. When it comes down to it, she's really the only one I want with me at the damn award show. I could care less whether I win or lose and if it wasn't for Simon's threat that he'll kill me if I don't show up, I wouldn't even make the appearance.Damn it! Maybe I'll just see if Mom wants to get all dressed up and grace the red carpet with me. Somehow I think it will be easier to convince her than it will be to convince my stubborn wife.

Maybe I can convince myself to let this weekend be a chance for Morgan and I to have some space, a chance to think about our marriage. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

At least I hope it will.

Lily and Connor were still away so I did something I rarely get the chance to do when they're home. I slept.

In fact I wasted half the day away. Sleeping. Could be the Tylenol PM I took the night before. Could be wanting to avoid a certain someone who's been home all weekend. Could be I just wanted to catch up on something I don't get enough of.

Either way I didn't crawl out of bed until almost 1. Then I spent the rest of the day complaining how there was hardly any time to do anything. That'll teach me. Maybe being tired is preferable.

Bed seemed to be the theme of the day. Chris and I were civil to one another but then again we each did our own thing. I finally got a little cross stitching done, and of course some more laundry. And he was in the den most of the afternoon, working on something. There were occasional bursts of music so I'd say he was probably writing. I made stew for dinner and he came out for that, but then went right back in.

I didn't bother to wait up for him; instead I just went to back to bed before 11. Nothing like being up for less than 12 hours. I was almost asleep when he came upstairs. I could have greeted him but I didn't. Instead I just lay there, pretending to be asleep. He sat on the bed beside me and I swear he just stared at me for like five minutes. He didn't say a word. He just sat there, then he tucked the comforter around me and went to shower.

Ugh! I can't believe I missed that opportunity. It would have been so easy to start a conversation. It's like I'm letting history repeat itself. It was like this between us once before and look where that got us. I just hope we're not on that same road all over again.

Today wasn't a bad day, we didn't start fighting first thing in the morning. In fact breakfast was very civil. But maybe thats because he was still sleeping when I was downing orange juice and toast. I've still got the sniffles but I don't think its turning into a cold, more likely its just allergies kicking in. I really should make an appointment and get a prescription for Zyrtec. Pam recommended it; she says it works great for her.

Speaking of Pam, she has Lily this weekend while Connor and his father are off to Nashville to check out the Speed and Sound Festival. A bunch of country stars and NASCAR drivers are going to be performing to raise money for Kyle Petty's Victory Junction Gang Camps. It's a great cause, something Joe loves to support and Connor is going to be over the moon getting to see race cars and drivers up close. I'm a little surprised Pam didn't go along as well; maybe her and Joe are still working on a few things themselves and this was a good opportunity for them to spend some time apart. God knows Chris and I have lots of experience with that.

After breakfast I decided avoidance was the best idea so I spent most of the day at the restaurant. Clay probably would have preferred to have his office to himself, but he's sweet enough not to say anything. He popped in every once in a while to bring me food, and probably to see if there was any chance I was leaving soon. But he didn't press me and I think that's why I feel comfortable going to Grisoles. He gives me space and listens when I want to talk, the rest of the time he provides the food and the chuckles.

It was a quiet day and I'd like to say that I spent it weighing my options. But I didn't. If I'm being honest, I'd say I'm avoiding the whole subject. That's why I spent the day hiding out at the restaurant. But one of these days I'm going to have to face things - whether I like it or not.

I got brave today and asked Chris why he's so worried about what Pam's son wants to do. At first he tried to say he was just worried about a friend, then he realized that explanation just wasn't going to cut it.

He feels responsible. Craig is Tommy's son and Chris was Tommy's best friend; more like a brother to him than just a pal. And even though he wasn't a part of Craig's life for his first eighteen years, he feels he has some responsibility toward him. This time I bit my tongue and didn't point out that he feels more strongly toward Craig than he does to Mikey. I am never going to understand Chris' position about the boy but I also realize I can't push him into a relationship either. That, he has to want to do on his own.

As much as I'd like to argue and tell him he doesn't owe Craig anything, I really can't. If I told him that, I may as well tell him he doesn't have any responsibility toward Lily or Connor. But at least when it comes to Lily and Connor, he knows where his boundaries are. With Craig, he's really not sure. And even though he wants to take the boy aside and talk some sense into him (more for Pam's sake, no doubt. Chris is hardly one to talk when it comes to ditching school to follow dreams) he is worried it will make things worse.

So he feels stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

But at least I know what's bothering him and that's one step further than we've been in quite a while.

Chris and I have always had a complicated relationship. We met on a plane in Denver and less than six hours later we were in a hotel room together. Did we fall in love at first sight? Lust maybe.....I think that's the basis for most of our problems. I couldn't stay away from him when I was married to another man. And obviously when I was single again I still couldn't stay away from him.

When we married this time I had this idyllic vision in my head. We were both grown up, we were both settled, we were going to make things work without a problem. Hahahah, yeah, I know, like I said it was an idyllic vision....make that FANTASY!

Chris has been stewing about something the past couple of days and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I've done wrong. And then I find out it has absolutely nothing to do with me, or our marriage, or our family. Instead he's fretting because Pam's son Craig decided to ditch school to go backpacking through Europe for the next few months.

Now I know Craig's Dad was Chris' best friend. I'd be more of a fool if I didn't recognize that there's a special place in his heart for the boy. But all the same Craig has a mother, two in fact. And a father. And a grandfather and a few dozen other relatives. I just don't understand why Chris needs to be involved with any of the decisions.

But he's friends with Pam too. And maybe that's the problem. Chris and I broke up the first time because of his problems with fidelity. I'm not saying I'm a saint where that's concerned, butI cheated on Joe with Chris, there's never been any other man. But Chris can certainly lay claim to hundreds of other women probably.

And even though I recognize that Pam is deeply in love with her husband ( my ex!), I still wonder if there's something going on between her and my husband.

I told you it was complicated.

Candace made some very good points about Chris being a celeb and a father and all the crap that goes along with that. All that crossed my mind more than once when me and Chris were getting back together.

I kept wondering how his celebrity would affect Lily and Conn. Its one thing for my picture to appear in a tabloid with a lurid headline but they didn't sign up for that. And I can't even imagine what Joe's reaction would be if they suddenly became fodder for the tabloids. Lets just say there's no where safe I could hide.

But Chris always told me he'd protect them every way possible and every time I think about him saying that, I realize I'm starting to soften towards Chris. Really, its up to him if he wants to be part of Mikey's life. Mike is his son, not mine. And the arrangement Chris and Sarah have has worked up to this point, there's no reason it won't keep working.

But in the back of my mind I still wonder what's going to happen if Mikey one day starts asking questions about his 'real' dad. Will finding out about Chris ever be an option for him? Or is he always going to live under the delusion that Chris is merely a friend of the family?

Only time will tell....

(CHRIS)

Morgan is still sound asleep and I'm here in Bella's nursery, watching her sleep as well. I could be back in my own bed but instead I'm standing here beside the baby's crib. Guess I expected to be shipped off the to guest room upon my return but that wasn't the case. Bella's eyes flicker open and she stirs, moving her head from side to side before finding another comfortable position and closing those blue eyes as she once again falls into a deep sleep.

She doesn't seem to mind that her father never seems to be able to get his act together. For every step forward, I always take at least two steps backwards. I don't blame Morgan for taking the hard line, she has every right to. At Christmas I was insufferable. No matter how I was feeling about everything there was no need to treat her the way I did. She didn't deserve it.

But maybe thats the problem. Maybe I really don't feel anyone deserves having to put up with me in their life. The old demons are rearing their heads again, its almost as though I can feel one sitting on my shoulder, grinning and poking me, asking, "Can I come out and play?"

I'm not talking about the addictions or the other women. I just seem to have this uncanny knack of screwing up everything good about my life and its always been that way right from that moment I first met Candy.

You would think after all the therapy I've had that I would have clue as to why it is that I sabatage the relationships that mean the most to me. I've blamed it on everything from my Dad to Tommy's death but the truth is there's no one or nothing else to blame but me.

Reaching over the crib railing, I trail a light finger over Bella's cheek and whisper, "One of these days I promise I'll get it right, little one. In the meantime I hope both you and your mother and your sister and brother can put up with me."

From my lips to God's ear. I only hope he's in the mood to listen.

Today Chris came back home again. We'd both decided it would be best for him to spend a few more days at the hotel while we kept the discussions going. Guess we both wanted to make sure we actually still do want to be together. I know neither of us wanted to subject the kids to any fights or arguments.

Lily and Connor have both been inquisitive, wondering why Chris hasn't been around. But neither of them have really pressed for an answer; my dancing around a proper answer seems to be enough for them. Actually I'm really glad they are as young as they are, its a whole lot easier then if they were teenagers.

Chris was already back by the time they came home from school and there were hugs and kisses all around. Me? I was on pins and needles the whole time, crossing my fingers and hoping the Chris who reared his ugly head over the holidays is long gone.

So far so good.... Maybe there's hope after all.

After another sleepless night, I spend breakfast mulling over everything everyone has said to me and realize I'm the one who's going to have to make the big decision. I'm the one who told Chris to get out of the house and its up to me whether he comes back into it. Wish it was an obvious decision.

I know if he treats me the way he did around Christmas, there's no way I want him here. I don't want my kids growing up, thinking its perfectly normal to verbally abuse their partners. I'm all for being honest with one another, but when I think back to how completely overcritical he was of everything I said or did, it makes me want to scream. As if he's perfect.

Hardly.

And then there's the separate issue of honesty. Did he really feel it was better to deal with the decision about Mikey without me? I know I argued with him, and didn't understand his position, but is that reason enough to keep the information from me.

Everytime I sit down and try to come to some conclusion I just seem to wind up driving myself even more crazy. But as I change Isabella and get her ready for the day, I know I don't want her growing up without knowing her father. And I do have some say in that.

Its time to make that decision, one way or another I have to tell Chris....something.

I've spent the day trying to reconcile both what Chris said to me and what Candace said as well. If I'm being reasonable I suppose they both have some good points. But I still can't get over the fact Chris wants nothing to do with his own child.

I guess my distraction must show when I'm in the school line waiting for Lily and Connor because next thing I know Pam is rapping on my closed window, beckoning me out of the car. "Hey, what's up?"

"Just waiting for the kids," I tell her, thinking it should be pretty obvious, since she's doing the same thing.

Maybe its just the chance to get some feedback from someone else, or maybe its just that Pam is probably the perfect person to talk to about Mikey and Chris. I open my mouth and the words just start flowing out. I think she's a little shellshocked at first but she seems game to listen.

"I just can't understand how he can brush Mikey off like that." I shake my head.

Pam starts to say something then stops as if she's rethinking what she wants to say. "I know it seems cold and heartless. When I gave Craig up for adoption, I know there were people that thought that about me. How can you turn your back on your own flesh and blood? Let someone else raise your child? But both decisions were made with the same thing in mind. What's best for the child. "

I sigh and decide she probably thinks I really don't understand. "Adoption is one thing, Pam. You did what was best for your son, you wanted the best life for him and at the time you knew you couldn't provide that for him. I don't have a problem with the idea of Mikey being raised by Sarah and her husband. I know the kind of man Chris has been in the past and his lifestyle was no place for a child."

"That's an understatement," she says in agreement. "Thankfully he's changed a lot since those days. But I left it up to Craig. If he had decided that he didn't want me inhis life I would have walked away. Could Chris really do that? If he acknowledges Mikey as his son, and Mikey decides he deosn't want anything to do with Chris, there's no way that secret could go back in the bag. all it would take is on intrepid reporter to start asking questions and Mikey would go from a nobody to center stage as Chris Gaines' son."

"I don't think Sarah is pushing for Chris to publicly declare that Mikey is his son, she just wants him to spend some time with the boy," I counter. "But you're right, there's always the possibility Mikey won't want anything to do with Chris, but don't you think he deserves a chance to decide that?"

Pam sighs. "Maybe he does. And I know it seems like I'm totally on Chris' side here... and maybe I am." Her voice trails off, she looks towards the school and starts to talk again. "Maybe part of the reason things have worked out as well as they have for Craig and I is because Tommy isn't around. He's been dead longer than Craig's been alive...." Pam looks down at her right hand where Tommy's ring used to be, the space now occupied by an ever changing assortment of cheap bubble gum machine rings. "Tommy isn't here for people to compare Craig too. Tommy isn;t living and breathing. Craig doesn't have to deal with seeing his Dad all over the tabloids or try and reoncile why his Dad wasn't a part of his life from the beginning. The way Mikey would have to if Chris was a part of his life. "

I stare at her. "Wow, you really are on his side. You know, sometimes I wonder if you and Chris would make a better couple than me and him."

She just stares at me like I've sprouted a second head or something for a minute. "Speaking from experience it's tough thing to deal with finding out that the people who raised you aren't your real parents. Even if it turns out to be a good thing, it still makes you question everything you thought was the truth. "

I'm trying to come up with a good response for that comment when Lily, Connor and Katy come running up to Pam and me, effectively ending our conversation.As I buckle the two of them into the backseat and start the drive home, I wonder if she has a point. Maybe Mikey is better off not having Chris in his life.

Twenty four hours and I'm still upset. Its not just that I let Chris back into my life, I let him into my childrens' lives. Hell I brought another child into this world, with him, thinking he'd changed and become someone who could be a good father. Yet the same man could care less about one of his children.

I don't understand, I can't even pretend I do.

So when the phone rang interrupting my thoughts I barely blinked, thinking it was probably just Chris, coming up with some sorry reasoning. But then my curiosity got the best of me and I checked the caller ID only to see Candace's number showing.

I answered only to find her interested in knowing if Chris and I had managed a New Year's reconciliation. Bursting her bubble wasn't something I really wanted to do but I didn't have much choice. Then it occured to me she might be a good sounding board, after everything she's been through with Chris, maybe she's just the right person to give me some good advice.

She sounded as surprised as I'd been when Chris told me what was going on. "He doesn't want anything to do with the boy?"

"That's what he says."

"That's quite the turnaround."

"Is it really?" I can't resist being the Devil's Advocate. "How many times did he try to convince you and Brandon he didn't want to be a part of Tristan's life?"

"That was different," Candace argued. "It was usually a reaction to something he'd done, a way to pay for his mistakes. He thought he was being noble."

"So thats what he's trying to do now? Being noble by not allowing Mikey a chance to know his father?"

"What do you think?"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking your opinion," I say in frustration.

"Don't you think Mikey would have a more normal life if Chris Gaines wasn't his father? Look at Craig? He was a typical teenager until one day he learned Tommy Levitz was his Dad."

"Did you and Chris get together and talk about this already? That's what he said. But at the same time, look at the relationship between Pam and Craig. Do you think he's suffered knowing who his birth mother is?"

"Pam isn't a celebrity," Candace replies.

"That has nothing..."

She interrupts me," That has everything to do with it. Maybe Chris doesn't want Mikey to have to go through the crap Tristan had to, winding up in tabloids, wondering if certain opportunities came about because of talent or because of who his father is."

"You're on his side." I accuse.

"I'm not on anyone's side, Morgan. I know he's been acting like a jerk. I know you're mad at him and you have quite a few reasons to be. But I also know the two of you belong together and you need to stop fighting long enough to remember all the things you love about one another."

Guess she told me, huh?

Its a well known fact that sometimes I open my mouth and say something without really thinking first. He's still at the hotel and today we met for a long lunch. One minute we were munching on sandwiches and the next I was looking at him and asking, "Who is she?"

From the look of surprise on Chris' face I'd say a confrontation was the last thing he expected. But then it was my turn to be equally surpised when he put his napkin down on the table and fixed me with a steady gaze and answered, "Her name is Sarah."

I stared. I blinked. I put my own napkin on top of the remains of my sandwich. And I resisted the urge to bolt from the table and head straight for the door. But for some reason the name seemed familiar and I stayed where I was, trying madly to remember until finally it clicked. "Sarah," I said sharply. "Libby's sister?" He'd told me about her years ago and told me the whole story of how he'd been involved with Libby and how she'd been pregnant and in the car when his wreck had happened. She'd been pregnant with twins and miscarried one, but it was years before Chris found out one baby had survived. Sarah and her husband Kirk had adopted him at birth and kept him a secret from Chris until the boy was a few years old.

"Libby's sister," Chris confirmed and I really had to convince myself not to get up and strangle him then and there. I thought we were past the affairs and the screwing around. I was seething and trying to decide how to kill him when he continued to talk. "I've seen her a few times throughout the month."

Does he really think I want details? Unless they involve a map of all the locations the authorities are going to be able to find pieces of him when I'm finished, I don't want hear any of it.

But even though he loves to say he's good at reading my mind, today he wasn't doing a very good job. He just kept talking and finally it filtered through to me that he wasn't talking about an affair. He was talking about his son and how Sarah had suddenly decided that Mikey needs to get to know his father.

Now I want to strangle him even more. Why didn't he say that in the first place instead of making me think he was back to old habits? UGH!

He looks uncomfortable and pushes away from the table, pacing up a storm to the window and back and slowly the rest of the story comes out. Sarah wants him and Mikey to spend more time together yet that's something Chris doesn't even want to consider. He doesn't want the boy to know who his real father is. He's content letting him continue to believe he was adopted by Sarah and Kirk as a baby anonymously.

"That's the reason you were acting the way you were over Christmas?" I finally ask.

"I knew how you were going to react if I told you," he muttered back.

"And how's that?"

"You're going to be mad and get all self righteous and tell me I can't neglect my own son. I've always taken responsibility for him, Morgan. As soon as I knew he existed I've supported him 100%, he's never wanted for anything."

So that's his argument. I point out the obvious, "Except knowing who his real father is."

"Do you think that would change anything for him? He's better off not knowing."

"And why do you think that?" I reply sharply. I know it hasn't always been easy for Tristan to be Chris Gaines' son. But I know Chris' life would be decidedly different without Tristan in it, and where does that leave Isabella? Does this mean he doesn't want to be part of her life? Suddenly I'm very very cold.

"He has a good life. He thinks of Sarah and Kirk as Mom and Dad. Its no different than the way Craig was raised. He adores his adoptive parents."

"And do you think he doesn't also adore Pam?" I argue.

"Of course he does, but if he'd never met her, would it have made a difference?"

"You can be such an asshole sometimes!" I finally explode and rise up from my chair, almost knocking my water glass on the floor as I move. The glass clinks against the edge of the plate and I jump back as a steady stream floods the tabetop.

"Be careful!" he yells back, grabbing my elbow and jerking me backwards.

"Let go of me," I grind out through clenched teeth. "I'm perfectly fine."

"No you're not. You're absolutely furious and you're being clumsy."

"Oh great, you're concerned about that but you couldn't give a damn about your own son. Cute, Chris, real cute!"

I left after that, it didn't seem like there was any point in continuing the conversation especially since Chris just stomped over to the window and stood there like an unmovable statue, staring out at the sky. All the way home the same thoughts kept plaguing me. If he feels this way about Mikey, who's his own son, how does he really feel about Lily and Connor?

Does he put up with them because he has no other choice? Does he wish he didn't have to deal with them on a daily basis?

I have kids with two different men but I don't treat any of them any differently because of it. They are still my children and they are all part of the same family. I couldn't imagine neglecting Connor and Lily simply because I'm not married to their father any more, or because I have another baby with my current husband.

A red light blinks on ahead of me and as I slow the car down, I bang my hands against the steering wheel in sheer frustration. I suppose I could try to understand Chris' point of view but I don't really know if I can do that.

But what really scares me is the obvious question. Where does this leave our marriage?

Welcome to 2006, I think....

Thanks to Clay, Chris and I did spend New Years together but obviously there are still problems. It's not the kind of things you just sweep under the rug. But now after the good cheer is over and the reality of a a new year stretches out before us, I can't help wondering what's in store.

But there are a few things I do know. I love my husband. I'm not giving up on this marriage without a helluva fight.

I really want Chris to feel the same way.

And we both have Clay to thank for that chance. He really went all out to ensure Chris and I were together and on neutral ground to boot. On New Years eve I planned on spending a quiet evening alone but Clay offered to come over and cook. I think he felt sorry for me but whatever the case, I let him. And he had ulterior motives, it was just before midnight and he announced he had an important question to ask me.

Yeah, about a million possibilities went through my mind but when he finally pulled open the door to reveal Chris standing outside on the porch and asked if I wanted my husband back, I was speechless.

There were arguments and more than a few accusations flung out but Chris and I wound up at the hotel, and I'm assuming Clay went home feeling rather smug and proud of himself. There wasn't much sleep for either Chris or I and its not because we spent the next twenty-four hours wrapped up in one another's arms. We talked. We argued. We almost came to blows.

But yeah, it felt good to get everything out in the open. And yeah, I think there's a little more hope then there was at the end of 2005.