Chris spent the afternoon with his girlfriend, then took her out for dinner. ::rolling eyes:: Maybe she'll have better luck dragging a better mood out of him. I'm trying to think if he's actually said more then a dozen words to me today. Nope, don't think so.

More likely he wanted to share the postcard he got from Craig with Pam, and since Joe's out of town, he's got free rein to see her.

He got home just after Bella's bath and I handed her over so he could spend a few minutes with her before bed time. Its a ritual we've done dozens of times before, she loves spending some one-on-one time with him and vice versa.

But tonight the minute she looked at him, she burst into tears. She'd been rubbing her eyes so at first we just assumed she was tired and ready for bed. But when he tried playing peek-a-boo with her, a game the two of them play constantly and something that never fails to bring a smile to her face, she just cried harder. That bottom lip came jutting out and the tears started falling.

She wouldn't calm down until I finally took her off to her bedroom and sat cuddling her in the rocking chair for a while. We've always expected her to play strange with him especially when he's come back from several days away. But that's not the case this time, she'd seen him throughout the day.

When I came back out of the nursery I found him in our bedroom, stretched out on the bed with a pile of scripts. Simon sent another shipment over today. "You okay?" I ask him.

He waved a hand. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"She's right at the age to play strange," I assure him.

"No worries. Just because she's acting like her father is a complete stranger, no worries," he repeats, but there's not an ounce of conviction in his voice.

"Chris, I wouldn't worry about it, kids do that kind of thing all the time. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you."

He nods at me and I decide to leave it there. If I keep trying to convince him he's just going to get pissed off and that will probably start an argument. So instead I start bustling around the room, picking up discarded pieces of clothing. Looks like I'll be doing laundry in the morning. Again.

I've just dumped everything into the hamper in the bathroom when I hear Chris' voice. Going back out into the bedroom, I ask him to repeat what he just said. "I didn't hear, what did you say?"

He's standing at the end of the bed, arms crossed against his chest. "I said its probably best the baby is playing strange. She's going to realize soon that you're the constant in her life, and I'm the one who lets her down."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's true. I just make a mess out of everything. Look at the twins, look at Brandy. Eventually they all figure it out."

I think I'm getting a headache. He's not making any sense. "Chris, the twins are with Mel and Griffin, you didn't have much choice in that. And Brandy, she's in Texas." Just for the hell of it, I point out the obvious. "And none of them are your children. Yes you cared for them, yes you love them. But they have their own parents."

"And you wonder why I don't want to be part of Mikey's life? Maybe I don't want to show up and make him think he's got a great old man, then the day will come when I screw up and ruin everything."

"Look, I know its been a rough few days, but what's wrong with you?" I can't stop myself from asking. He moves in front of me, his eyes hard.

"Don't tell me you haven't wondered the past few days."

"Wondered what?"

"Wondered if you could trust me."

I put my hands on my hips. "Chris, you're talking crazy. Look, I don't know what's brought this on, but maybe you need to get some sleep or something. You are seriously sounding delusional tonight. Bella is just tired, she didn't have her afternoon nap and she was getting cranky. There's nothing else to it."

"So you're telling me that it no longer bothers you I spend so much time with Pam?" he challenges. "Maybe I should take that as a bad sign. Great. Didn't know thigns were so bad that my spending time with another woman is no big deal. Maybe you're just happy I'm out of the house."

"I didn't say that," I insist and sigh. "Chris, I'm sorry the baby acted like that.""Not your fault.""And I'm sorry you've had a lousy few days but you're on the mend now, right?" I tilt my head to look at him. "You're starting to feel better."

The ear does feel better," he admits, then runs his hands through his hair before adding, "Guess its harder to deal with the bad reviews, the fan comments and all the other crap...... " His voice trails off then he adds so softly that I can hardly hear him. "...and Craig left."

Ah, now maybe we're getting somewhere. "Craig left, just like Tommy. Is that it?" I ask softly.

Chris had been looking out the window as he talked, but now he turns and looks at me . His blue eyes look very haunted at the moment. "I can't help it, all I can think about is something happening to him. That he won't be coming back. It's irrational I know but......."

"But you can't keep him tied down and not let him live his life. No more than you can make your children think you're the world's best dad all of the time. Cam and Maddie and Brandy all know you love them as much as you would if you were their birth father. And Isabella adores you. And me...." I reach out a tentative hand and touch his arm. "I know I tease and refer to Pam as your girlfriend, but I'm just having some fun. We've travelled a long road to get to this point and I wouldn't still be married to you if I didn't trust you, Chris."

He doesn't say anything in response to that at first. I take another chance and step closer to him, my hand sliding along his arm. Chris takes a breath and slowly lets it out, his eyes meet mine and he finally says something. "How did I get lucky enough to have you in my life a second time?" he asks, his arms reaching out to pull me closer until my cheek is resting against his shoulder.

"Remember I know a little about people I love leaving me," I remind him. "But I lucked out when I found you. You wanted me back."Its moments like this when I'm reminded that Chris and I really are two kindred souls. And that if we just keep that in mind, and all the struggles we've managed to overcome, we'll be fine. Together.